I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
