tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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