got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
