I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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