Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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