Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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