in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
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It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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