counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
