it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
