last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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