first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
