Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
