god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
