I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
