Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
is wine microwaveable?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
