you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
