what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
