He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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