I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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