I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
