Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
