It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
