I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
