yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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