Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
