I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
