He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
