i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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