Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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