shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I need to align my fucking chakras
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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