its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
