I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
