We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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