I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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