The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
