Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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