my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
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