I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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