Don't make out with my wife yet
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
