I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
