Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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