I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
my sisters under your porch take her home
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
