I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
