I can't watch pbs sober anymore
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
