Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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