I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
