i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
