What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
