btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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