i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
