Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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