I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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