can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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