dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
