Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
