whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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