I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Randomize
