false alarm. still invincible.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
