Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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