i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
