dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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