My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
